On my long hiking tour through the Alps last summer, I experienced how much I am cared for all the time – by nature, by people and the great abundance around me. It was a deep recognition of the fullness that flows all the time and and supports all beings, constantly, unconditionally.
Then I returned to my “normal” city life, and fell into a condition in which I mainly experienced lack, stagnation, neediness, withdrawal, struggle for life.
I wondered how it could be that I am aware of life’s abundance, and yet I can’t invite it into my life, to support me in doing what I love and care for. I tried harder, tried more. And just felt even more lack and overwhelm by the many things I put on my schedule at the same time.
Then my body started to give me clear signals: For weeks now, I have been dizzy. Out of nowhere, my head starts spinning and I constantly feel like almost falling. Consequently, my body tenses, as if I have to prevent the fall, my heart beats heavy in fear and I can’t concentrate properly on any task.
What does my dizziness tell me? What do I need to hear/feel/see/express, and try to avoid? In German, the word for vertigo and deceit is the same: “Schwindel”.
Surely, it tells me to let go and allow the fall.
Paradoxically, I received support from a quite strange and tough situation: I had maneuvered myself into a conflict with another person, I was heavily triggered and some not-nice insults were exchanged. This conflict forced me to really face my feelings and reoccurring patterns in relating to others, myself, and life.
I did not only become aware of feelings of fear, helplessness, loss and anger from my childhood, which I had never allowed and integrated. I also got aware of a core belief in me: That I am no longer worthy of love if I set my boundaries. And that I am not good enough and not worthy to receive love, care and support unconditionally – simply because someone enjoys my presence.
I recognized it’s these beliefs that make me feel like I still didn’t do enough to receive (e.g. clients, money, friendship, attention, …). And if something is offered to me that feels nourishing: I can’t accept it! I feel threatened in my integrity. I am full of mistrust that there must be a hidden agenda, that something is expected and wanted of me in return, and that ultimately it is better for me to reject and withdraw.
At the same time: I am craving for all the good stuff that life and other humans have to offer, for the people, situations and connections that will nourish and support me while leaving me space to grow, and which let me know that I am worth it: Unconditionally, without having to be or do or return anything special.
One of the Breema Bodywork exercises that I love is called: “To receive what you need, drop all extra.” So what’s that extra?
It’s the self-judgement, the feelings of unworthiness, the mistrust in my intuition about what is nourishing and what is not good for me. It’s the guilt about giving a truthful “No”. It’s the self-deceit to not need anything and the relentless effort to “make it on my own”. It’s the desperate attempt to be independent, and the constant illusion of lack and deprivation.
I am cared for, constantly. I am worthy to receive, now, as I am.
I am allowed to give an honest “no” – so I can feel safe to receive what feels good.
Life is abundant, if I am clear about my needs and receptive to their fulfillment.